Saturday, June 29, 2013

we appreciate it


Steven Mentzel – Renowned shrimp collector in the Florida Keys
Heather Elizabeth – Creator of the “monkey helmet”: a helmet for disabled or drunk monkeys
Walker Lukens – Shot Hitler in the face & later someone dressed as Hitler at a party
Sarah Simmons – Beatboxes for classical musicians and the deaf every Tuesday downtown
Lindsey West – Known as the “Ice Cream-Melting Variety Queen” (sits on ice cream)
Lauren Shekari -- Proprietor of the first business to sell absolutely nothing.  Was met with tremendous success according to Us Weekly
Jordan Beadling – Once sleepwalked all the way to Torchy’s Tacos & ordered exactly 1,000 items
Austin Jordan – A really really good smelling dude.  Just fantastic
Tina Deljavan – Once was rich, but donated all money to a cause legalizing the selling of seashells by the seashore—unaware that it was already legal
Andrew Walters – Took time away from dressing up all 18 of his cats like various historical military generals and princesses to donate, and we appreciate it
Monica Jones – Has worked for a variety of wizards
Cullen – What can be said about Cullen that wasn’t already said in Norway upon his being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?
Charles Martin – Once an esteemed author of novels on social theory, politics and existentialism, he quickly learned that people are mostly just interested in poop and farts.  Finally achieved fame for his book “Poo Poo, Doo Doo and Farts in the 21st Century,” which mostly contains pictures and illustrations.
Kaiti – Beautiful Oprah Winfrey look-alike
Michele Cummins – First woman to stroll down Congress Street while reciting poems about blackbirds and the various ways they are perceived
Kate Cleary – First person to recognize the powerful signaling abilities of smoke
Alexandra Florimonte – The first blind film critic.  Now writes for The Austin Chronicle. 
Ashley Wallingford – Nicest person to ever murder another person in their sleep
Kate Labouisse – The first person to stick an Indian head penny in a light socket & cackle
Ginger Buschardt – Elephant-trainer who took time away from India to donate
Ryan Meeker – Finder of all things that are lost
Dave Ross – Genghis Khan look-alike based in Las Vegas
Milo Harkness-Smith – Shark attack enthusiast
Mathew Ortiz – Once told Justin and I while drunk, “Ya see….uh….the thing about that thing….is….uhh…….yer gonna have a president…..I mean…nobody is uh…debatin’ that…..but my point is that I’m gettin’ at is….hey…uh…did everyone eat all those Cheetos….or what do you call them things……oh cheat...cheat toes....cheat toeeueees....words man......I….I miss that one girl I dated in college….I mean…we never ‘really’ dated…but….”
Michelle Serrano – Sells spiritual donuts on the east side of Austin, TX
David Mosser – Taught a course on how to eat food and drink water without shame
Vanessa Cabrales – Carnivorous Vegetarian & Violent Pacifist
Melanie Robins – Creator of the hit MTV series “A Couple of Idiots and Three Morons Living in a House & Acting Like Themselves”
Randy J. Smale – Has been on a metaphysical journey to find the last remaining dodo bird for the past fourteen years after seeing it in a dream
Philip LaRocca – The only other project he has raised money for is the KKK
Julia Jonas – Used to sell hot dogs from her pocket in New Hampshire (now a doctor)
Chris Trew – The first person to truly love a woman for who she is, including her feet
Nancy Rosenthal – Known for journeying to the center of the earth & saying, “This is ok, but I kinda wish I’d just stayed home and eaten a burger”
Brock LaBorde – The reincarnation of a cat that belonged to a dude who liked to fish
Jonathan Evans – Laughs from inside boxes regularly (& unapologetically)
Paul Henry – Famous for his compelling paintings of coffee at different distances.  His two most iconic pieces reveal both the perspectives of a latte at the microscopic level & a shot of espresso from miles above in an airplane
Jodi Cummins – Was once baked into a giant loaf of bread to protest carbohydrates
Robert Segovia – Inventor of “the dog saddle,” which is nothing like what it sounds
Tim LaPrade – Lover of the color blue, but cannot legally marry it yet
Lindsay Harris – Collects grease in cups and jars to mail to the IRS
Amy Dunn – A strong proponent of the idea that laughter is NOT the best medicine; rather, actual medicine is the best medicine
Suzanne Link – Wrote a book called “History’s Future” in an unknown language
Kyle June Williams – Day job is getting clams and oysters to fart (bottom burper)
Eritira Pitts – Inventor of the tablespoon
Megan Keate – Born in a swamp
Angela – Entirely dinosaur
Joseph Meissner – A weasel dangler.  He dangles weasels
Joel Flachsbart – Does a beautiful impression of a banana pancake
Matt Catalano – Septic Tank Designer
Chris Nungary – Dresses up like Principals he had at schools growing up in order to scare children
Avery Elander – Fell into a well in Kentucky and never escaped
Pierce Smale – First person to turn down an offer from NASA to go to the moon (because he “just bought a bean bag chair”)
Jared Gore – Lived in the woods and is now made of wood
Bradford Catalano – Submarine driver and local founder of Fathers Against Submarine Tragedies Going All Year (FASTGAY)
Adam Conner – Took time away from running for president of Paraguay to contribute, and we appreciate it
Jana – Drives around Austin, TX handing out Jack-in-the-boxes while saying, “Life is full of surprises”
Maia Assaf – Once used clay and food color to make her face look like Herbert Hoover to attempt to get into a White House Press Conference in 2003
CJ Hunt – Star of the late night CBS special “Veronica’s Butthole”
Ashdin Medhora – Felt the turd tremors of a butt trumpet and answered the call of the wild burrito by letting out a butt bazooka inside a K-Mart
Jason Williams – Trained a monkey to both sail an old ship he inherited & drive a jeep for which he no longer cared.  The results were poetic but devastating
Kay Trapp – Understood quantum mechanics prior to Einstein.  Famous for the quote, “Einstein is stupid”
Chris Nicholas – Goes by “Poo Pappy” or “Poo Daddy,” but never had children
Harper Ewing – The first person to marry a cat, only to immediately divorce her “due to the claws & seeming to not care”
Jason Mellard – Wrote a blues song about how happy he is about life and the strong communication skills that have been exhibited in his relationships with women
Alexandra – Constructs nativity scenes at Christmas using only found snails (for kids)
Sasha Tollette – Born with gills in East Germany.  Allows her to play Marco Polo for days at a time
Chris Nordahl – Half wolf, but acts more like half fox
Lauren J – Famous for designing the only rollercoaster with toilets installed in the seats
Mary Beadling – UFO photographer who thinks we should build a wall in the sky to keep the aliens out
Mathew Squires – Mails empty boxes of cookies to ex-girlfriends
Annie Gerson – Prefers to have life details remain private (a heroin addict)
Mathew Pascual – The first person to express their love for someone by spray-painting “I love” followed by the beloved’s name on the side of an overpass
Laura Marguilies – Has studied the languages of whales and dolphins, but only knows how to say the curse words
Lindsey Miller – Exercised her meat nozzle once by accidently releasing an air biscuit of brown thunder in front of Yoko Ono while working with her
Austin Waters – Goes canoeing with Gary Busey and is forced to administer CPR every single time
Mike Breese – Raises pit-bulls and teaches them karate both for entertainment and protection of his diamonds
Nathan Takase – Famous for his attempt to bridge the polar political gap when running for office following the BP disaster by taking a neutral stance.  Quoted as saying, “Oil spills are less than great, but better than worst & it’s hard to judge one way or ‘tother.  Mark my words: all of the oil spills that have happened did so at locations, and those are the facts.  If I saw an oil spill, I’d be inclined to say aloud, ‘that is an oil spill that just happened.’  I promise you that that is how I would feel.”
Mike Spara – Shiny and full of Indiana Jones quotes 


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